The strange lesson I have learnt

Josh uni that is a sole drive for a long time. The need to prove my worth and intelligence meant everything. It scared me when the people I needed most left but I am starting to understand that they need to go after their dreams too. The good ones tend to come back anyway. 

That’s a strange lesson to learn. The stronger and independent I became the less I needed to rely on others to be happy. But what came first the strength or the abandonment? Think the only way you can learn to fly is when you are pushed off the edge. You can choose to either soar or sink into murky sadness or anger.

I think it became easier to be free when I looked to try out new things which relied on my physical strength and skills rather than typed eloquence. I am more than the words I type, the weights I lift, the walls I climb and the people who speak intelligently to me. 

It’s a relief that I should think the only thing that matter cannot be measured or seen. I matter to God and to my family and real friends just the way I am. I am thankful to be alive and well. I am thankful to be given many opportunities to be myself and do what I love to do. 

So what are you grateful for today? What has your pushed off the cliff experience been like?

[Typing time: 45mins]

The puddle in my brain.

The puddle in my brain. 

Good morning sunshine. Can you make the puddle in my brain dry up? The storm of frustration, loneliness and disappointment has made my thoughts soggy and muddy. Help my muddled mind to look behind the dreary wet landscape and see something beautiful and alive. My words are my only resort to connecting to people in a true way. Without them I am not a human. 

I am trapped in a body that lets me down. I am thinking and I am always thinking with so much to say. But a thousand moments of opportunities pass and I resign to silence. I need bossiness, empowering bossiness and stubbornness from people to knock down my dungeon of my autism, let the sun in and dry up the puddles in my mind. The mediocre assume my silence as compliance and approval when it is imprisonment. 

Help me escape please just one word at a time. 

The puddle in my brain

The puddle in my brain.

Good morning sunshine. Can you make the puddle in my brain dry up? The storm of frustration, loneliness and disappointment has made my thoughts soggy and muddy. Help my muddled mind to look behind the dreary wet landscape and see something beautiful and alive.

My words are my only resort to connecting to people in a true way. Without them I am not human. I am trapped in a body that lets me down, I am thinking and I am always thinking with so much to say. But a thousand moments of opportunities pass and I resign to silence.

I need bossiness, empowering bossiness and stubbornness from people to knock down my dungeon of  my autism, let the sun in and dry up the puddles in my mind. The mediocre assume my silence as compliance and approval when it is imprisonment.

Help me escape please just one word at a time.

[Typing time: 18 minutes]