The biggest failure in life is not the finer details of a failed assignment or to endure the grinding toil of waiting for a better things to happen or fronting an appearance all is well because I smile on cue. The greatest enemy is when I don't care anymore about being someone worth listening to and I let my autism entice me into familiar but dreaded isolation and into the world of repeats of old movie lines that makes me feel in control.
I am not a nervous bag of everything my body dictates my slow movements, my inaccurate movement, my great chins of centres on nothing useful nothing productive nothing nothing nothing except the repeats of movie lines looping. I am the thief of my time and at the whim of the touch that sets my body and brain in synch and I am for a generous but fleeting moment free to let my real thoughts trickle out one letter at a time. The jealous side of me rises when I can hear people write and speak so freely so wastefully and so quickly. Everything if I could give and more to type and speak my mind anytime I chose to and not be dependent on someone to help me. I am desolate without Mia and Matt and it frightens me that I can lose my voice and disappear into insanity inducing loneliness and despairing blackness.
It is going to be hard and journey requires friends. I find this so hard. Lip service acquaintances who ask me how I am but don't stick around to know how I really a m frustrates me yet it is often this or nothing at all. I don't think people really want to know because they wouldn't know what to say or how to continue waiting for me to type.
Why do people just want to have good fast entertaining chats and not be accommodating? I am thankful for the rare gems who do want to be a true friend. I hope this dreadfully sad post can identify with a person who like me drives with an unreliable automobile of a body but still wants to reach their destination with some true friends.
[Typing time: 57mins]
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Big goals require sacrifice. To say yes to the pursuit of journalism has meant no to other things. Sadly this has meant the neglect of the blog. Fast moving lives and assignment deadlines meant forgoing time to reflect, exercise the dreamer side and type for sake of enjoyment. It has been a steep thrilling learning curve starting uni this year and not letting my autism be a bugbear. I am proud to say that I am battling through the head scratching mire of research and essays without asking for extensions.
My greatest thank you to my tireless ingenious dedicated team who support me. You are my heroes. You enable me to be the bold one eyed pirate, to sail to uncharted waters and fight for freedom of speech (in whatever form) and to defend those who have yet to find their voice.
I am not alone or a rare anomaly. Fight, my friends and the day will come where people who are voiceless will roar in their styles and will be heard loud and clear.
[typing time: 29min]